it's twenty fix -me

It’s a brand new year folks! If you are anything like me, the transition into the New Year has got you into a mild existential crisis! This time of year often gets us contemplating key questions around the meaning of life. What’s the point of it all? What’s my role in it all? Is this the year I live up to my dreams? Is this the year the world wakes up to the hidden treasure that is Winnie the Pooh?

Added to that is need to make a list of “New Year, New Me” resolutions that we suppose will add to our quality of life. I love those lists, they make me happy! Let me explain why. Seven years ago, on New Year’s Eve, I was frantically going through my journals to reflect on my resolutions for the year, when I realised I hadn’t made any resolutions in the past 3 years. The realisation shook the core of my being- it meant that for the past 3 years I had been living with no purpose. What’s worse is I had not made any other journal entries for those years either, which pointed to the chilling fact that there had been nothing in my life worth recording. I had spent all those years in a stupor.

In the spirit of the dramtic life choices that come with a new year, I decided that 2009 would be the year I turned my life around, the year I would get sober and discover my purpose. It was the year I would ‘get fixed’! The very next day I made a friend who would gradually lead me to realise that I would fail at any attempt to ‘fix myself’. He helped realise my need for my Creator, after all, if something is broken the best Repairman for the job is the Original Designer. I decided to commit to a journey of healing and fixing with God! And boy did He do some fixing! He awakened me to a life of joy, peace and unfailing love.

This year, I find myself acknowledging the fact that in many ways I am still on that journey. While my life has been much more fulfilled over the past seven years, there are several areas that are in desperate need of healing and guidance. I find myself back in that position of confronting the depravity of my life and my inability to single-handedly turn it around. So, I’m calling this year twenty-fix-me! The year I return to the Potter’s hands to be remoulded!

This year is also the year where I let the internet in on my open secret. When I am not busy with important things like watching Winnie the Pooh reruns, I write a bit of poetry. Writing has always been a private therapeutic comfort that I have shared only with close friends, but as life would have it, I was recently challenged to take my musings out of the closet. Below is a spoken word piece I recently performed, inspired by one of my favourite tracks by Beautiful Eulogy.

I'm a believer

Sometimes I believe the lies of the deciever

-But-

With one look at His face

I'm lost in the eyes of grace

G R A C E

Every fear displaced

Gone without a trace

Guilt, shame replaced

Strength to run the race

Fear crushed

Doubts squashed

Hope restored

Dreams revived

I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer!